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Endings and Beginnings

Another ending.

I received a “Final Receipt and Release” Form from the attorney handling my father’s estate.

Probate. Sale and closure of the house. Dissolution of the Estate.

Finished. Essentially, no more Dad.  Or Mom, for that matter.

Instead of relief, there is sadness, an emptiness, a longing.

Another “on this date in history” event at the same time – one year ago yesterday, I had the TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) that changed my career’s course. Following a mini-stroke, 5% of the people have a full stroke event within 2 days, 10% within 7 days, 15% within 90 days, and up to 21% within the first year (Cleveland Clinic).

I’ve been lucky – no residual damage, no further stroke event. Or should I say blessed?

Another part of the package – today, I turn 60 years old. It’s official – I have now lived longer than Mom, who died at 59 (Remembrance). And I have an even better understanding of just how young Mom was when she died, and how much more living she had to do. How much more advice she could have given. How much more influence she could have had on those around her, and on the the world. How much more wisdom she could have imparted to her 2 daughters, her 3 grandsons, and her (now) 5 great-grandchildren.

So Mom and Dad are gone, with the “Final Receipt and Release” of their Estate. I sign the form, affix the stamp, seal the envelope, and return it to the attorney to be officially recorded. How impersonal is that? (Who Will Remember?)

Now what?

Is this an ending or a beginning?

Is the light beckoning at the end of the dark tunnel a Near Death Experience or a birth?

Do these tears signify a departure or an arrival?

All I really know is that, along with gratitude for their lives, it hurts to have them gone.

I love you, Mom and Dad. I love you.

And like I said – this getting older and losing you both hurts.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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cala liliesl

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Love – Gratitude

The agony is so great…
and yet I will stand it.

Had I not loved so very much
I would not hurt so much.

But goodness knows I would not
want to diminish that precious love
by one fraction of an ounce.

I will hurt,
and I will be grateful to the hurt
for it bares witness to
the depth of our meanings,
and for that I will be
eternally grateful.

_______________________________

by Shirley Holzer Jeffrey
Death: The Final Stage of Growth
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1975)

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Related Posts:
This is How I Will Remember Dad
Echoes of Darkness Sheathed in Light
Of Ladybugs, Dragonflies…and Love

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21 thoughts on “Endings and Beginnings

  1. The eternal round of birth and death, with moments of great joy intertwined with the never ending desire to go home.

  2. Loving, loving words. Your own words are so full of love, feeling and tenderness they are the best part of this post. Wonderfully captured by your words. Peace be with you and in you. MM 🍀

  3. Though I am 59, I have lost both of my parents too, reacted to the ‘final release’ of their estate similarly and feel the space that is left in my heart with their passing. I send you many hugs…

  4. Happy Birthday to youuu
    Happy Birthday to youuu
    Happy Birthday dear Theresa
    Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuu
    (Audio to follow)

  5. It is you who will remember, that is your token for your heart. I have also endured loss and serious illness, I live by the universal guidance and I am always grateful for what was and focus only on the good, this is what keeps me going. 🙂

  6. First off, Happy Birthday Theresa!
    Every day is a gift. It sounds like your mom was a wonderful gift to you and to others.
    One of the hardest things I ever did was to say goodbye to my mom’s house. All the memories…
    Thank you for sharing so much of your wisdom here with us.
    Debra

  7. Happy Birthday..Theresa…
    May you feel Butterfly kisses
    May you be granted Faerie wishes…
    May the light hold its course
    as the day shares love and support

    endings and beginnings… sometimes I think we should pause in between…
    so we know the difference…

    Take Care…You Matter…
    )0(
    me

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