Home » Personal Musings » Thursday Re-View — “An Adolescent’s Christmas…”

Thursday Re-View — “An Adolescent’s Christmas…”

christmas tree
Working with college students is great.

Before anyone gets into that type of work, however, it would be wise to warn you about the college student brain. Studies have shown that “late adolescence” may actually extend until 25 years old. The scientist in me wants to explain that until then, the neural networks that regulate behavior don’t reach full maturity, making the person subject to sensation-seeking and increased risk-taking, as well as more vulnerable to impulses, emotions, and the effects of alcohol and other drugs.

Still want to work with college students??? (You should. It’s energizing!)

When I explain that to the students themselves, in trying to help them understand the developmental changes during their college years, their reactions – after the shock – divide into two different camps. The first group sits up straighter, usually with an affronted look on their face – “Hey, just one minute! We’re adults, not adolescents!” The other group slouches a bit, eyes glazed, wheels turning, and you can hear them thinking, “Sweet! When I get drunk tomorrow night, I’ll have a great excuse. I couldn’t help it; my brain made me do it…”

My point being that it’s hard to transition from high school to college, and a common problem is the “emotional disconnect” that so many young people seem to have with their parents. Communication is not their strong point (one only has to look at the texts and twitter feeds to see that; while I’m on that topic – Rule #1: Never break up by texting or on Facebook! Man-up or woman-up and do it in person.).

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Which brings me to Kristy… Together, she and I worked through a nasty break-up with her boyfriend, a charge of plagiarism by a professor, changing her major, feeling left out as a commuter, drinking too much on weekends, and the struggle with going to college and working a part-time job at the same time. All in an average day in the life of an adolescent. (One good thing – students who commute are spared the drama of roommate issues that flare up with alarming frequency).

But – and there’s always a but – no matter how hard she tried, no matter how much role-playing we did together, Kristy could not seem to reach an uneasy peace – or even a truce – with her mother. There was no father in the picture; only Kristy and her Mom. Finances were, of course, a huge issue, and Kristy’s only ticket to a better life was to keep her grades up in order to keep her scholarships and find some middle ground with her mother. Most times, they didn’t even speak to/with each other.

One day right before Christmas break, Kristy came in with shoulders slumped, looking dejected. (Uh oh – probably another incident with Mom.) I asked her what was wrong. Kristy grabbed a tissue (uh oh, uh oh – Kristy never cries) and started to explain what happened the night before.

She and her Mom were in a particularly tight spot with money, and were behind on rent and other bills. It was bleak enough that they couldn’t even afford to put up a Christmas tree. Last week, we had already discussed that not having money for a gift for her Mom didn’t matter; we Moms love a hug or a hand-made card – nothing else needed. But Kristy felt strongly that if she could only get her Mom something wonderful, their relationship, in this season of joy, would suddenly be terrific – wonderful – like everyone else’s (if Kristy only knew…). So what happened, with a child wanting nothing more than to please her hard-working, single mother?

Kristy had noticed in the past that her Mom cherished a statue she kept all alone on a coffee table in their apartment. Kristy wasn’t supposed to touch it, in case it broke. Sometimes, after coming home from her 2nd job, Kristy would see her Mom take off her sneakers, put her feet up and just stare at the statue, lost in thought.

“That has to be so very special to your Mom; what/who is the statue?”

Kristy struggled with this. “Well, it’s a small boy – looks kind of weird with something like a crown on his head, and his hand is held up like he’s agreeing with Mom – stay away.” She sighed. “Oh, and sometimes she dresses it up in clothes that she made herself, when she still had her sewing machine; you know, kind of like I used to do with my Barbie.”

Okay. The picture in my head is taking shape.

infant-prague-statue-8-inches-2007991

“The statue – was there something like a globe in the little boy’s left hand?”

“Yeah – how did you know?”

“My Mom had the same statue. But what happened?”

Kristy explained that the 2 things her Mom loved most were costume jewelry and this statue. So, thinking of surprising her Mom with something even better than an expensive Christmas tree, Kristy got some of Mom’s favorite, chunky jewelry out of her bedroom and draped the statue with it, Mardi-Gras style. “Lots of bling, you know?” When the statue looked blinged out enough, Kristy draped a string of lights around the statue, too, so it blinked in color and blinged at the same time. “I thought it looked good.”

Now I am trying to keep my “listening intently” look, and not show my concern about where this might lead. “What did your Mom do when she saw it?”

Kristy looked down for a long moment. “She didn’t say a word. She just kept looking at the statue, then at me, then the statue…and she started to cry. So I just went up to my room. Why didn’t she like it?”

Okay. So – how to explain. “Well, I know you meant well, and I’m proud of you for wanting to make your Mom happy with her 2 special things, but that statue… that’s the Infant of Prague – the Child Jesus – and the hand He holds up, like He wants you to stay away so you won’t break Him – that’s the Child Jesus blessing you.”

Kristy’s eyes had that “deer in the headlight” look, horrified and scared at the same time.

“Some might think what you did was sacri – (no – skip that word) disrespectful.”

Her eyes got even bigger. But then she got a twinkle in her eye and covered her mouth with her hands. Remember the high emotion and mood swings in the adolescent make-up? We were there. For only the second time in my work as a therapist, I lost it (for the only other time, see my post “The Welcome Angel.”).

Kristy started to laugh, then I started to laugh. She choked out, “I put bling on Jesus? And Christmas lights???” She alternated between being horrified at what she had done and being proud of herself for rendering her Mom speechless. I laughed right along with her, as I pictured the Infant of Prague decked out for the 21st century.

I tried to explain when I quieted. “You know how you don’t know how to feel right now – upset, but a bit of you thinks it’s funny? That’s probably what happened with your Mom; she was upset with having something other than “proper” clothing on the statue, but happy that you tried so very hard to give her something that would mean so much to her, and maybe even put a smile on her face. It’s okay, Kristy; it will all be okay. Your heart was in the right place.”

What do you think? Was the new appearance appropriate? It sure was! Was the Child Jesus angry with Kristy? Absolutely not. In fact, I think He must have smiled while He watched her face, so intent on dressing Him in something special for her Mom; so intent on pleasing her, so intent on trying to show her that deep down, there was love.

Kristy’s intention was pure; her adolescent love – fickle but piercing in its strength – was on display, her heart vulnerable. And what better time than at Christmas, with the birth of Jesus and a Mother’s love. Who knew that something so innocent could be so wondrous?

You did good, Kristy. You saw with the eyes of your heart, and Jesus smiled with love and understanding; He offered His blessings to you and your Mom.

Indeed – you are a blessing to me as well.

There’s a lot to be said for that adolescent brain, isn’t there?

And the heart – don’t forget the heart.

heart III

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17 thoughts on “Thursday Re-View — “An Adolescent’s Christmas…”

  1. Great post! Yes, “If only she knew.” Interpretation is everything and, given her actions were born of love, the Source could have been nothing but pleased 🙂 Peace . . .

  2. It is such a huge responsiblity to deal with students. I feel that their unrest has somethign deeper behind it and they are beautiful towards the end of the day. Let their adolescence pass and their real strengths will show.

  3. Wow. How mysterious the human brain really remains! It’s like a universe, waiting for us to discover ourselves. I wonder if there are any clues about the soul in there…
    I knew our brains don’t fully develop until age 22 or so, but had no idea it took 25 years. I can really see the evolutionary function of impulsive risk-taking, though: for example, I have far too much common sense to even think of arriving in San Francisco with the address of a friend’s friend and $100 in my pocket. But at 21, it seemed like a great idea – and it was! In fact, I stayed for a decade.
    Your ability to identify with, and delight in, virtually everyone across the span of age and culture is your great strength as both a professional and a human. Perhaps people who are made …bigger by the struggles of others, rather than depleted, are naturally attracted to the work you do.It is as if each story you hear is a jewel connected in a great web of shared commonality that makes up your faith in people:
    We are all different / we are all the same/
    You can tell me your story /it is unique in all the universe
    It is the story of mankind.

    I have wondered how you are, and hope that you are well.

    Claire

    .

    • Claire – so good to hear from you, friend! Your insights read like poetry. There is nothing else I can say but to offer my gratitude and blessings for your words; they are truly a gift.

    • Thank you; the learning in my office always went both ways. I agree with you about the value of a Counseling Center as a resource. When I went to undergrad, I can’t recall that anything like that existed. Blessings…

      • Things are so different now. Seeing ‘someone’ is not as taboo as it used to be, After I left my comment, I was thinking that I made a selfish comment. Yes and No – I am happy that this young lady had someone – you – with whom she felt comfortable confiding in. I believe this is the most important part of adolescence – I, of course, speaking from my perspective and experience, of which brings me to when I was her age. I did not have an adolescence, or maybe what most would describe it to be. I had already experienced enough ‘stuff’ and teenage ways of thinking did not have a place. I must say that I see some of this young lady’s ‘thoughts’ in my boys. It makes me laugh – probably because I am grateful that they did not go through what I had to and i just think it is so darn cute:) Thanks for listening to me ramble….

      • You’re welcome. Remember me – I’m the Listener. And you didn’t ramble, and it wasn’t a selfish comment. No one can judge a feeling; they’re your own.

  4. I remember when i was in college. I thought my life depended on what i learned there. Those professors where the key to my living and what i would become. What i learned there i have kept with me forever. Made a life and a living from it. true story.

    • I always told my students that (to me) the diploma was secondary; the most important part of their college education was determining their own identity – to no longer be defined by others, but to define themselves. If you’re open to it, the experience can be wonderful, life-altering.

  5. I’ve had similar interpretations experience that can leave you startled and, humbled. The mind develops so differently from another as does the heart. Fantastic post again ! xx Faithfully Debbie

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